Mad and sad

So - today is not a great day for me. I am sad and soggy and feeling really down. It has been such a hard year for us. I still know Bob will be fine...
I think things got a chance to sink in a little deeper having the weekend away. I am very grateful that I had a great weekend with great friends doing things that filled my soul!
Bob and I are so lucky in so many ways and this all so sucks! I am so sad. We had such a different picture of this winter would hold... And now we know it will be a hard winter. I am mad at the world. Why Bob?!? Why us?!?! It was a rough year before the C word...
It is so hard to watch someone I love so much have to face this (even though he is being SO AMAZINGLY positive about it). I am afraid of what the winter will bring. I am afraid I won't know what to do or how to help. I know I can only be me. I know there are a lot of things I can do and skills that I have that will be great in this kind of journey. I know a new and even stronger me will emerge to deal with this. Sometimes I am tired of discovering newer and stronger versions of me. I like being strong, but I also need to be able to be vulnerable, to be able to fall apart. I know that there is value and strength in vulnerability. I have some leadership training info about that somewhere...maybe that is part of my lesson in this. Being able to be strong and vulnerable.
It seems too weird that Bob is comforting me right now. He tells me that we have cancer. I guess that means that he gets to take care of me sometimes too and when we both need taking care of we call on the tons of friends and family who have offered help. I know I need to take care of myself to be able to be strong for him. I guess today that looks like crying a lot. There has been so much grief in my heart this year. There is more now. I guess I'll just let it out - it certainly can't do any good if I leave it in there...
I feel so mad and sad and writing this has helped... and now I just feel tired.