Patricia from Nashville wants to know if I'm having any lingering effects from my treatments. Certainly, cancer changed me, so let's consider some of the results:
Specific to chemotherapy, I cannot think of any lingering effects offhand. Patricia speaks of bone pain and a host of other issues that were not there before. However, I do have some annoying muskuloskeletal issues on my right side. After the lump was removed from above my right collarbone, I spent quite awhile recovering, then quite awhile in chemo. This had the effect of creating some scar tissue in the supraclavicular area, as well as some muscular atrophy in my right shoulder and arm. I've been working with a physiotherapist and chiropractor on these issues, and some days it seems the more I do my exercises, the worse the problems become. Mostly this manifests itself as muscular soreness and immobility. Last week my neck seized up. It's still sore. And then my right elbow seized up, while at work, not a good thing for a firefighter. (That was the night I dreamed it was flesh-eating disease and I required amputation. Who ever heard of a one-armed firefighter? So my dream was preoccupied with figuring out a new occupation. I decided on being a one-armed dad and a one-armed wilderness first aid instructor!)
Mentally, emotionally, cancer weighs on me still, in my dreams especially. That's the hard part about remission. What if it comes back? Is that a lump? I'm not ready to go. When my time comes, can I die with dignity?
There are some positive lingering effects. I eat better. I live better. I love Anna more. I appreciate every day more. And the most wonderful lingering effect of all? Just take a look at the pictures in the previous post. Matty is here BECAUSE of my cancer. Before I even started chemotherapy, the first thing I did was bank sperm, and Matthew is the result of subesquent fertility treatments.
Patricia, you're in my thoughts and prayers and meditations. I don't think your name ever made it onto
my hand in a workout. I will rectify that tomorrow.
I just returned from a sauna at the YMCA. Nice thing, living in the city, to have easy access to a sauna. I like to meditate in the sauna. Once I read about the Dalai Lama's daily meditation practice. During meditation, he goes to other worlds and does battle with the demons that are trying to tear this world apart. Whether you believe it or not is irrelevant; he believes. Heavy stuff. Anyway, in the sauna tonight I encountered some of my own demons. At first I thought whoever was bringing me these bad dreams was a demon. (A few nights ago, in my dreams, I found a lump in my neck. Then last night I dreamed that I got flesh-eating disease and had to have my right arm amputated.) But then I thought that perhaps these dreams are a good thing, reminders of what could happen and not necessarily what will happen. So I focused instead on the positive: healthy immune system, able to recognize good from bad; strong, healthy, balanced and flexible musculoskeletal system; healthy lymphatic system, removing toxins from my body.
